Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Some Days...

I am having a bad mommy day today. A ba-a-a-a-a-ad mommy day.

I simply have no patience for poor Milo and Violet. To be fair, they have found every way to exploit the fact that my hands have been full of babies, bottles, diapers, and pumping. Prime example? Just now they splashed gallons of water out of the tub during their bath. Something they have done a thousand times and have been reprimanded for a thousand times and yet here I am, shaking with rage and bawling so that I don't say something awful to them.

Why is this so darn hard some days? Why can't the kids see they've pushed me past my breaking point and step back? Why do I feel like such a failure at this day after day after day? OK -- I don't feel like a failure every day. But my current sleep deprived state has me feeling like a failure more days than not.

And I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm far too impatient with the big kids. I can't get the babies to want to nurse except for once in a blue moon. I'm stressed enough that my pumping totals are dwindling. I don't have time for an adult relationship with my husband, and when the poor fella does get lucky, I fume all night because I lost precious sleep for sex. My house is falling apart -- I can't keep up on anything but the kitchen, bathrooms, diapers, cooking, and laundry.

I suppose I might be a bit of a control freak because if someone offers to help, all I can think is "It would take me more time to explain than it would to just do it." And so I'm washing bottles and doing diapers at 1:00 am and 4:00 am on a regular basis. And fretting because my hard-working husband continues to fold the towels wrong after 15 years of marriage.

To top it all off, my left ear has gone from plugged up to completely blocked to starting to hurt. I should probably go to the doctor tomorrow, but I'm working in the morning and Scott's working in the afternoon and I don't want to drag the kids out. Plus, I'd actually like to touch base with my regular physician to get my asthma inhaler refilled so that I can maybe get out and get some exercise in this allergy-inducing season.

And now I feel like a total putz for whining. Yay! Pity party for me!


Anonymous said...

I have days like this without any kids. I am more than happy to listen to you whine. I honestly don't know how you do it and having a bad day just proves you are at least a little bit human. Sleep if far too under valued, I hope you get some soon.

With sympathy and empathy,

Jeanette said...

Hang in there. You are doing a fabulous job. I enjoy hearing about your trials and tribulations and I hope this blog allows you the outlet you need to vent. We enjoy reading about it and if we didn't we wouldn't come back on a weekly basis. :-) BIG HUGS!!!

Anonymous said...

You definitely said it all well. You can't be a great mom if you don't have your share of these days. Take care of yourself and let others help when they offer. Our children understand our love no matter how imperfect we 'feel' it is in our moments. All we do and do NOT do is enough. You're great parents. Keep up the good fight and take a few moments to yourself.
Angie Cannon

Christina said...

Oh man, Nicholas did the water thing a few years ago and we ended up having to replace the bathroom floor and the kitchen ceiling below it. I hope your kids didn't do any permanent damage.

I wish I had some advice for you. Just hang in there. And take that help when it's offered!