Friday, June 25, 2010

Rebirth

Five years ago today, the most beautiful baby boy ever born slipped into the world with his umbilical cord looped gently around his neck and his little hand holding my heart, bringing it with him into the room, beating the song of motherhood.

I don't know what he thought as he looked around for the first time, as he heard the nurses cheering and the doctor teasing his father about his adrenaline-clumsy fingers that fumbled the scissors which cut the physical tie that bound us, as he felt the air pricking the fine hairs on his body and hands turning him, wrapping him, laying him on my chest.

I believe that I do know what he thought in that moment when his skin grazed mine, his eyes turned toward my face, toward my hiccuped, choked call, "Oh, my baby!  Hello, my baby!  Oh, my boy!"  When he sensed my voice, his panicked wail ceased, his face bright and alert as his gaze was drawn into mine.  I saw the recognition, saw him react, saw him think, "Mommy.  My mommy."  I was drowning and I let go, let myself sink.

Oh, my sweet, sweet boy...  I love you fiercely.  I react to your joy and pain viscerally, my heart far more exposed in your life than it ever was in mine.  If ever I thought that growing up was hard when I was the one growing, I now know that difficulty is dwarfed by the insecurity of growing another.  There are so many decisions, so many implications, so many choices second-guessed as I try to guide you into the being you will become.  Do I stand too close?  Let you wander too far?  Give you enough or too much?

As I tucked you in last night, I kissed your cheek and you grasped my head, pulling me nearly into the bed.  I held you and, for a moment, smelled a sliver of your newborn scent -- a scent which makes me drunk with love.  I held you, my baby, and you, my child, in that heartbeat; time swelled so that I could step into memory, swimming again in emotion, reborn as a mother.

Happy birthday, Milo.  I can only hope that one day you will get a gift as perfect as I did when you were born.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

<3 <3 <3 <3 What a wonderful post! Makes me recall the births of my children. *sigh* :)

JoeyB said...

I am a 27 year old man, sobbing along with your story. To this day, one of the greatest blessings, and senses of calm, that I have in my life is my mom. We had our rough years (aka my teenage years); but, now... now, she is one of my best friends. And, without any question or doubt, she is my biggest fan.
Happy Milo's Birthday, SoupMama.

Commedia said...

So beautiful! Happy Birthday Milo!

Commedia said...

So beautiful! Happy birthday Milo!

Anna said...

How touching and sweet! I hope he has a good birthday today.

Vernetta said...

That was absolutely beautiful and left me with a lump in my throat (both times I read it). That first sentence instantly transported me to the moment in time when my son was born. You are such a talented writer - thanks for sharing your gift with us. And happy birthday to your sweet boy! Love, Vern

Jenny said...

JoeyB's comment just made me tear up. This is a beautiful post. I am blessed with 3 children myself and they are the joy of my life. Motherhood is a gift from God, isn't it? I'm here from SITS. Come by my blog and say hello if you get the chance!

IASoupMama said...

Aww, thank you all so much! And JoeyB, I can only hope Milo looks back with such love -- you do your mama proud, young man!

Devan @ Accustomed Chaos said...

Made me tear up. SO BEAUTIFUL!! Happy birthday to Milo!!

bernicewood said...

A wonderful birthday story!

Bethany@ImperfectMom said...

Beautiful post! I wish I could write like that. Happy Birthday to your little man!

Libby said...

Beautiful! Just about sums up how I felt having my two boys. They were simple meant to be. Thanks for sharing and thanks also for stopping by my blog and your sweet words. You are very good at drafting sweet words.

Mary Foreman said...

...and I'm crying. You're so good at this! And "ditto" to the constant gnawing fear that I'm not guiding him properly... not setting the best possible course for him in his life.

If he turns out to be half as good a son as you are a Mommy, then I think you'll both be blessed. :)

Missy said...

This is soooo sweet. And a perfect tribute to your boy.

Allison said...

Beautiful. Perfect description of the love we mothers have. Well done. What a lucky little boy Milo is.

Rhonda Schrock said...

Beautiful, my friend. That's exactly how it is.

vanita said...

you've certainly got a way with words. I'm all tears.