Map

I think I'm lazy.

Really -- I sort of start a bunch of stuff and never really quite follow through. I'm not saying I LIKE this about myself, I surely don't, but I think I am lazy. My house is never clean, my projects are never quite done, and my yard is an appalling mess. I can't even remember to water the flowers daily, so I start every spring with lovely hanging plants and, inevitably, by my birthday they look like dead spiders.

In fact, I'm stalling today. I've got work to do and an idea of how to do it, but I just don't feel like it. I want to be hanging out with my kids, teaching Milo to read and Violet to sing. I want to go to a movie, go skating, swimming or take a nap. Instead, I'm blogging and eating soup.

I am the only one of my siblings with just one degree. I am working the lowest paid job of any of them and I seem to have lost momentum. I think I want to go back to school, but I don't really know what I want to study. The things that interest me (theatre, developmental psychology, family law, counseling) are pretty time-intensive pursuits. And I just don't know that I have the time right now. I don't really want to spend any more time away from my family and think I would grow to resent another commitment, but I want to do more... I think... Or maybe I want to do nothing...

That's the trouble with laziness -- the ambivalence that goes along with it. Like if I required less sleep I'd be able to keep a clean house, make organic baby food, and weed the yard every now and then. But I don't particularly care to weed and I also don't get that much sleep as it is. I think I understand why some moms choose to take their kids' ADD medicine instead of dispensing it to the child -- there's just so much to do and not enough mom to go around.

I think this is part of the reason I decided to blog -- to try and find my way back to, well, me... I just wish I'd left myself a better map.

Oh -- I did get to the gym, 30 minutes on the elliptical and stretching. Not bad for a first day back.