Friday, March 26, 2010

Stuffed with Sawdust and Leaking Sand

I am so darn tired.  The last couple of weeks have just sapped me.  The upcoming week promises to be challenging as Scott will be out of town the entire week.

I feel like a scarerow stuffed with sand and sawdust.  And that in my dummy foot, there is a tear and the sand is trickling out with every step, leaving just the sawdust.  Each step costs me a few grains, every grain takes with it a molecule of energy. At the end of the day, only the sawdust holds my skin in shape.

I hope to get some good rest, to fill up my reserves this week.  To tank up for the week ahead.  I'll need to employ all of my time-saving tricks, or I won't get all of us where we need to go, when we need to go there.  That means, plotting the entire week in my calendar like I'm preparing to take battle.  Gathering up all resources available, hoping that, unlike my misfortunes last spring, I do not get falling-down sick, nor near-hospitalization sick.  Please, not this spring.  Please?

The loneliness will be the toughest part -- working in my quiet office alone all day, then working alone in a quiet house after the kids have gone to bed, with only the random night sounds as a soundtrack.  I don't mind being alone, but I also don't think that I'm in a good frame of mind to be alone right now.  I don't behave irresponsibly, but the current fog of sadness that clings to my heart makes for bad company.  I much prefer the irreverent humor of my husband to the dismal yearning of my soul.

I do not know how single parent navigate this loneliness -- the monumental effort of marshaling two young children, two large dogs and the state of affairs in a home occupied by two young children and two large dogs leaves me no energy for socialization, no desire for fun.  How does a single mother even see past the endless drone of existence to look for friendship, courtship, or lovers?  I haven't the ambition for it.  I guess it is a very good thing that I love my spouse and want nothing but a good life with him, and that his goals and dreams nest together with mine perfectly.  Thank all things good for that...

2 comments:

Riding the Roller Coaster said...

As a military spouse, I know ALL about being alone and missing my husband! My best advice is to stay busy and just live your life as you normally would. Use that solitary time to write or do other things you want to do when you would normally be spending time with your hubby. Good luck!

Rhonda (a.k.a. The Lively Squaw) said...

Very well said, my friend! I wholeheartedly concur - I have no idea; none at all, how single parents pull it off.

Nor do I want to find out.

Hope your sadness lifts.