Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Malfunctioning Bedroom Devices

No, this is not an X-Rated post, so if you're looking for that, please look elsewhere...

The last two nights have been, shall we say, interesting in the ol' master bedroom. First of all, my husband sleeps with a bi-pap machine because he has crazy sleep apnea. We, well, I discovered the apnea when I would wake at night to nurse a newborn Violet. I would snuggle down in the chair and listen to Scott's very loud rhythmic snoring. As I became more attuned to the music he made, I started hearing decrescendos in his snoring -- as in I could hear as his airway closed and his snoring would sound pinched, getting quieter and quieter until there was silence. During the silence I would chuck whatever handy object was near me at him, hoping to jostle him into breathing again. He would resume breathing with a snort and start right back in with the snoring. One morning, after he woke to find four half empty water bottles, two bath towels and a book in the bed, he decided to call the doctor and arrange a sleep study, after which he was prescribed the bi-pap.

Now, I realize that I have little to complain about the Darth Vader sleeping next to me, but the bi-pap will shoot cold air at me if he's facing me, something which inevitably wakes me with a start. The machine is keeping him from suffering the apnea, and therefore, it is ensuring that he will wake the next day. But still, it's a bit of an inconvenience -- I can't kiss his face when he's sleeping, he can't wake me gently with kisses on my shoulders, and he has to sleep with hurricane-force winds bombarding his face all night long.

At least most nights. Some nights, he removes the mask due to discomfort. When he does, he turns off the machine and hangs his mask over the headboard. The moment when he removes his mask is accompanied by a very loud whoosh (read: jet engine turbine) unless he turns the machine off before removing the mask. Which he usually does.


Sunday night, however, he only managed to get the mask off his face. He didn't remember to turn the machine off, he didn't remember to hang his mask -- in fact, it was tucked into the crook of his arm, whooshing away. For an hour. For an hour in which I was roused several times by the noise. For an hour during which I poked him, trying to wake him after the several times I was awakened. For an hour, which concluded in me shoving him with both of my hands until he woke enough to turn the damned jet engine off. After which, he rolled onto his side, still asleep and I laid awake, watching the time slip by as it was projected by my alarm clock onto the ceiling.

Speaking of the alarm clock... It died last night. It had a short, yet full life of functioning for three years, despite the children who poked it, pressed it's buttons randomly, and used it occasionally as a step to climb into my bed. It survived me hitting the snooze button countless times and the inevitable cursing when I finally dragged myself from bed every morning. I think that of all of the alarm clocks which I have had during my three dozen years, this alarm clock was my favorite because I could program two different alarms with multiple functions and project the time onto the ceiling so that if a child woke overnight, I could simply open my eyes and there would be the time, no fumbling, no squinting without my glasses, it was just there, a floating blue metronome on my ceiling.

How did my darling alarm clock die?

I am embarrassed to admit that I killed it. I killed it when I was trying to stay organized. I killed it when I dropped my underwear on it, setting them there so that I could find them after Scott and I attempted to conceive our elusive third child. Because I didn't want to fumble around in the dark searching for my Hanes, I selfishly killed my alarm clock.



Erin said...

Funny b/c I usually put my undies on the alarm clock, too. LOL!

My hubs snores a ton at night and I am always shoving him, jabbing him, etc. to get him to stop. His breathing is never compromised, however, so we don't have that to deal with. How do you DO it? When do you sleep?!!?

IASoupMama said...

Erin, I am so very fortunate that I can function on six hours of compromised sleep. So very fortunate...

Patrish said...

you crack me up with your stories! I love it. My hubby snores sometimes, but it doesn't cause him breathing problems. But if his snoring causes me to wake up or I find myself unable to sleep at night because I'm listening to his snoring then I will shake him to wake him up. Sometimes I need to jostle him every 10 minutes because he gets back in to rhythm. OOOHH and I have a projection alarm clock but it is still very much ALIVE!

Riding the Roller Coaster said...

Following you back...thanks for visiting from MBC Aspiring Writers. What a great post!! Very funny and well-written. Looking forward to reading more!

Rhonda (a.k.a. The Restless Squaw) said...

My father uses a CPAP. We could tell such a difference in him after he started using it. He didn't fall asleep mid sentence anymore. Sooo....surely now your hubby should be sharp as a tack, well rested and all that, and rarin' to go with your tax issues. Hee hee.